Is Curiosity Becoming a Lost Art, or Are We Just Overwhelmed?
My Reflection on Atrophying Social Skills and Some Ideas on How We Can Reclaim Connection.
When I think of "countering complacency," I think about how I can actively combat this social inertia within myself. What can I be doing differently?
I wanted to share these reflections in the hope that some of you have felt this too. Perhaps these questions can prompt you to look at your situation differently.
Lately, I’ve been grappling with a question that hits at the core of my daily work and interactions: In a world where so much of my job involves socializing, discovering, and truly getting to know people, why does it feel like genuine curiosity is waning?
I’ve noticed a trend over the years – a superficial lack of interest in others. You could be having what feels like a potentially deep conversation, but people don't seem to want to look deeper or ask more questions. It's almost like you've tossed out a hook, sharing the tip of something vulnerable, yet no fish are biting. I've seen this time and time again, perhaps especially given what I do for work involves talking to lots of people, but also I’ve seen this with friends and even within myself.
But I wonder, is it truly a lack of curiosity, or are we, myself included, so deeply absorbed in our own struggles and the sheer stress of survival that our brains have simply lost the capacity for it? Are we so overwhelmed that we can no longer think outside ourselves, desire real connection, or seek common ground?
It feels like a void is growing in these interactions that wasn't there before. The willingness to step into someone else's shoes, to understand their perspective without necessarily agreeing, seems to be atrophying. And frankly, I feel my own skills slipping too. They say you're the sum of the people you surround yourself with, and despite all the books and podcasts, I can feel myself being pulled into this current.
Of course, we can't ignore other external factors at play here. Technology, for one, is fundamentally shaping how we think and interact. People are becoming more hesitant to pick up the phone, preferring to text. Global events have certainly fostered a more survival-oriented mindset. And it's also true that not everyone was modeled these deeper social skills growing up. This isn't to pick on people or for anyone to be hard on themselves, but rather to ask: Are we showing up, engaging, and being curious in the ways that we would want another to be with us? Perhaps for those who feel lonely and disconnected, craving that deeper connection, the first step is to look at themselves and see if there are things they could be doing to help improve the chance of having an even better connection with someone. But remember, it’s not one-sided, you need the other person to be willing as well.
The Urgency Trap: Are We Settling for Mediocre Connections?
Another piece to this puzzle is the innate sense of urgency (maybe even impatience) pervading our culture. To be truly curious takes time – time to build that strong foundation of trust and create a space where one can open up, relate, feel seen, accepted, and understood. These things take time. With so much demanding our attention – the long hours our jobs demand, the time we want to spend on our health at the gym, cooking, spending time with friends and family, walking our pets, mowing the lawn, you name it – there’s no shortage of tasks. And so, we make the compromise, the trade-off, to accept and give the minimum.
It's clear that now, more than ever, impressions and likes are becoming the currency, because impact, resonance, and true connection can't be measured with just a heart emoji. How are we letting society and our jobs dictate and change the very ways we connect?
How Am I Contributing?
This growing discontent always brings me back to a crucial question: How am I contributing to this situation? If I'm observing a widespread lack of curiosity and depth — those rote “I'm fine” answers to “How are you doing?” — what part am I playing in this dynamic? More importantly, how can I break free from these ingrained patterns that feel almost contagious, before they fully take hold?
It’s exhausting, to be honest, to constantly be the one engaging, asking questions, showing curiosity, and maintaining eye contact when there's little to no reciprocity. Because this is so much of my job, I can see how I might be left with scrapes outside of work. The core feeling behind that exhaustion? It's definitely frustration and, at times, a definite sense of burden. Always feeling like you have to keep the conversation going, keep it engaging, and then when you take that pause, it's dead silence, waiting for your next round of questions. I laugh now, because I have no issues with silence or awkwardness – I'm happy to ride it out.
Just this week, at an event, I had multiple conversations where every single person asked me the same questions: “What is it you do?” “How is work?” " “Any plans for the summer?” “Are you traveling anywhere?” And that was it. It almost became a comedy, as each person replicated the exact same pattern. It makes me feel we could be doing better in preparing, showing more intention, and being a bit more brave and bold to ask questions that maybe aren't typical. Yes, we might make some people a little uncomfortable, and yes, we might get a weird side-eye, but we also might get someone to break character and finally open up, connecting in a way and on a level that isn't common but is exactly what we're looking for. This also means we need to learn about self-disclosure, learning how to share and open up without being prompted to, to give others enough of ourselves to engage with.
And yet, when I come across posts where people talk about being lonely and wishing they had more friends, I can't help but wonder: Are we truly putting ourselves in situations where we can foster those connections? Or are we simply looking for someone to listen to our problems and make us feel like the most interesting person in the room?
Many of us have read about influence and persuasion, understanding how people get a "high on their own supply" when talking about themselves. I've been in meetings with people where they talked the entire time. With but one or two questions asked, at the end, they said I was amazing and that they really enjoyed hanging out with me. I couldn't help but feel that all I did was sit and listen, not saying a word. Just listening. Connection might feel great to one but not always to another, and I think it’s important to spend some time asking yourself what connection looks, feels, and sounds like to you.
Countering Complacency in Our Interactions
When I think of "countering complacency", I think about how I can actively combat this social inertia within myself. What can I be doing differently?
I wanted to share these reflections in the hope that some of you have felt this too. Perhaps these questions can prompt you to look at the situation differently, shifting the responsibility from "them" to "us."
Here's the crucial caveat: boundaries. You can't endlessly pour into interactions if you find yourself frustrated, angry, or resentful because you're not receiving what you're giving.
This brings me to a key principle, often called non-attachment:
"If the only reason you are doing something is for a specific outcome, then maybe you shouldn't do it at all. Perhaps that is a sign you are not acting in alignment."
For those unfamiliar, non-attachment isn't about being uncaring or indifferent. It's about performing actions with dedication and effort, but releasing your grip on the specific outcome. It means being present in the moment, doing what feels right, and letting go of expectations for how others should respond or what you should gain.
Practicing non-attachment requires a level of self-awareness. Before taking action, you have to set your intentions. Ask yourself: Why am I doing this? What do I hope to get from this? And if my expectations are not met, would I still want to be doing this? Sometimes, we learn the hard way. It isn't until we face that disappointment, that letdown, that energy drain, that we look back and make a note for next time: "I won't do that again!".
A Call to Deeper Connection
So, as we reflect on these shifts in our interactions, perhaps the central question isn't about pointing fingers, but about looking inward: Are we becoming complacent? Are we settling for superficial exchanges, unwilling to do the work required to genuinely connect and change what we don't like? Have we fully considered how we can deepen our relationships with our friends, families, and colleagues?
It's time to open ourselves up to the possibility that by setting better boundaries, and by practicing non-attachment in our interactions, we're not just improving our relationships with others, but bettering ourselves. This journey asks us to be more present, more intentional, and more courageous in seeking meaningful connection.
Let's challenge the default, embrace discomfort, and remember that the greatest connections are forged not in finding interesting people, but in showing genuine interest.
Countering Complacency is about recognizing the subtle drift in an unlived life, challenging the question “is this all there is?” and reclaiming your vibrant self buried beneath expectations. It's an ongoing journey of awakening and authenticity. If you liked this, let me know below. Every bit of your support means a lot!
I really enjoyed this piece Stef. My experience has been similar. It is said that there is a human need for connection, but the jury is out for me…the need I see looks more like attention. It is hard to find anyone that wants to have a deep conversation about something other than themselves. Don’t get me wrong thats important too, but what about curiosity, what happened? Great Article, well done.